A reluctant reader and neurodivergent sight
Autisticly Aar’s Diary
Date: 1st October 2023
Title: A reluctant reader and neurodivergent sight
I always seemed that reading is a chore and laboured experience that I had from a young age I had to go along with and play ball to read although I had little interest in it. It’s a fundamental part of education but nothing I take joy and pleasure to do so. From a young age I have myself found a challenge of formulating my ideas on paper and know that has from the time that I was on Twitter have proven that with those who have read my tweets didn’t always comprehend and could be interpret my words as how I intended sometimes with structural and language differences in how I use the English language. This could be even with other neurodivergent people I communicated with in challenge in getting my point across.
When I was in primary school at the age of nine ahead of lunch break there was a fifth-teen minute silent reading period. I vividly remember pretending to read and was bored of the idea about reading. I remember my teacher that year noticed it and thankfully I remember she wasn’t mad nor didn’t tell me of when I was ‘pretend’ reading. But if I remember correctly that year of school, so even before I was diagnosed as autistic, was tested for dyslexia. Dyslexia is something that I was’t diagnosed with but taking interest in reading is an issue. I feel like the idea of the idea of word and letter spaghetti of how messy jumbled letters and words can get on a page, I’m not sure I could relate to that.
At the time I was using glasses proscribed for reading for just about a year after a few years before in infant school getting recommended to go to the opticians on the basis of how close I was with my eye to the paper when tracing and trying to visually concentrating. And if going back to the primary school years I remember getting migraines.
Looking back on what I from what I learnt know on my experience with sight and vision through a neurodivergence lens I can see my sensory differences. I’m sure although beyond needing pair of glasses and that if I don’t wear them in certain situations I could end up suffering a migraine or headache I sure In school I had interventional support from some people who would come in and work on some visual skills with worksheets at looking at patterns, objects and shapes. I sure I was shown braille. Even then as a child with not knowing myself, or entirely what this was doing to help me was wondering was this the right help for me. I know I probably could’ve got a diagnoses of a visual processing disorder, maybe? Could these sensory issues connect to my autism diagnosis? It’s been a mind-field learning the past few years about what neurodivergency is. I grew up clueless, thinking things were strange weird different, or not like what I thought of autism. I hadn’t asked many questions regarding my neurodivergent identity as a child. Piecing things together now is helpful, if only I could let my younger self the information I know now and my mother too.
I remember in school in some cases fine in reading somethings. Unlike my peers I was more keen on reading aloud than quietly of the paper. I wonder if it aloud me to process the words and its meanings and keep me interested. I did find it a labouring chore when you had to read to your teacher or to a teacher assistant to mark your reading skills. I never liked tests, never thrived in spelling tests or welsh, french or spanish tests, never was my strong point, It helped having remembered key phrases and words that can use repetitively in conversation . But when it came to reading a paragraph out of a textbook or assembly readings to the classroom or an entire school hall I didn’t mind. Reading a short piece of information seemed better suited, bite sized chunks of information where it would give me something to say rather than saying silent.
Sometimes it was trying to make myself do something I had little interest in doing that can have a big impact on a neurodivergent persons likelihood of doing it and staying concentrated on it this can be said for those of us if it doesn’t click into our focused interests. I do consider some of this linked to potential ADHD. I’m a phone addict and struggle to sleep because of it and get dopamine for the scroll of social media and following and engaging in a social media conversation and topic that clicked my brains interest which I feel makes it harder to pick up a book.
I know I’m a reluctant reader because of my neurodivergence I know people who are autistic, dyspraxic and have ADHD who are avid readers who fit the box of being hyperlexic and find their struggles with auditory processing and relying on watching television with subtitles to fully follow the conversation. Whilst I can connect with some descriptions of auditory processing disorder and sometimes mishear things; messages lost in translation. I however don’t find subtitles as helpful. I read slowly and tend to not focus and concentrate on one thing for a long period of time such stare and gaze can feel exhaustive magazine being fixated on one visual stimuli.
With what I know now I do feel that I probably do have visual processing disorder or visual processing difficulties not uncommon for autistic, dyspraxic and ADHD people. Also I question if I have in addition visual snow, most probably do, I always remember from a young age and still now less to my recognition and fascination as years ago colour swirls and flashes of light like seeing the ray of light floating on in multi-colour lingering in vision longer after I gazed at it. Bright lights and intense sunlight can trigger these things. For my light sensitivities I do wonder whether I will inevitably have to cave into following the trend-setting fashion-ware of Kara Swisher the liberal journalist rock-star of Silicone Valley (podcast host of ‘On with Kara Swisher’) rocking darkened aviators in indoor spaces to combat light sensitivity. This is something that when interviewing Sara Gibbs said that she has done in script writing rooms or even doing a television interviews for her light sensitivities. My light sensitivities can make it hard to keep my eyes open and cause muscle twitching around my eyes and then could cause a headache.
Some people think that light sensitivity with the longer days brighter sunlight would be when I would be more light sensitive. When the need for artificial light fluorescent or LED lightings can cause my eyes to twitch and feel harsher and brighter when it’s pitch black or there isn’t much light coming through the window with damp, dreary, miserable weather where screens or room lights are doing more work. Why vision isn’t at best when it’s dark. I feel if I were to be a driver just the street lights, shop lights and signages would make my eyes twitch and hard to concentrate and keep on. Reading at night can feel hard battle for the right light so I can see the words on a page but without it becoming bit too intense in light making it harder to focus makes it a challenge.
Discovering audio-books and news podcasts have allowed me to consume a lot more books than what I would’ve done probably none other wise, although I got a dozen physical books I must get around to reading audiobooks allows me to stim while reading. I always found that audio has helped me process information a lot better as when I was in sixth form my politics teacher reciting and speaking the information on the sheets in front allowed me to listen to the text rather than reading it and usefully jot down notes that allowed for more active reading to maintain and retain information. Otherwise these are things I could easily gloss over.
I wish I was able to read by audiobooks in school at least then I might’ve read more. Listening to podcasts or audiobooks isn’t losing something that by not reading of the book or the newspapers you aren’t deprived of. It has helped me broaden my vocabulary and my knowledge.
