Pacifying with Autisticly Aar & Lavender Rain

In what was the longest interview of around forty interviews I’ve ever recorded almost getting Joe Wogan length minus the waffling hollowed out conversations or so I’m informed. I have to confess I haven’t listened to an episode of the Joe Wogan podcast neither do I intend to. A Google search finds his episodes average is two hours and thirty seven minutes recording this episode has taken two hours and twenty five this doesn’t help the goal I intended for episodes for the series to be 25-45 minutes in duration as a shorter format I hoped. The art of doing interviews I’ve learnt follow the path of the conversation if you aren’t constrained by time explore every curiosity and cover all corners and always allow your guests to say what they are willing to say. After all podcasting allows me to explore my specific focused interests and my own fascinations. At the end of the interview Lavender concludes by telling the listener that you ‘are not alone’ exploring age-regression and the adult baby diaper love community shortened to ABDL can be an isolating thing to explore as we explore the shame and the stigma that people within the community encounters we explore that in this conversation, she reassures the listener you have a community indeed you do. The purpose of what I am doing is trying to find my own community, find myself through every conversation and offering a space for people to feel good about themselves and its good to be different.

Q.  what does age-regression means for you and ?

Lavender Rain: Age regression for me is a state of mind that I had to take some time to understand for myself because it was something that I think I experienced without any real understanding of the context of what like it actually is and how it applies to me. I know that many other age regressors, ABDL's,  go about it or experience it differently and they use that experience for, similar reasons, on a more personal level, very different reasons. As for me, it's commonly, many others would probably say the same thing, but there's a therapeutic, it's a way for me to tap into the youthfulness that I missed out on when I was much younger Growing up in a rough household allows me to have that freedom that that release of responsibility mentally where my partner is able to take the wheel, manage me if she so needs to. If she is not there, being able to live in my world and get away from the, the major stressors of being an adult, because there's a lot of expectations and pressures on adults these days as the world has changed And progressed very quickly, so it's very hard to keep up with the demands.

It's like a mental retreat either multiple times a day, it could be once a day, once a week, really just depends on how I'm feeling, how vulnerable I'm willing to feel at that given moment. It is also taking place usually within the safe space of my own home. It does happen in public sometimes, but I understand that people tend to frown upon that. I don't outwardly express that. Usually, my partner is very good at noticing it when it happens in public generally she's very playful about it. She will feed into it . The fact that I am an adult and I do have a neurodivergent adult brain I am still aware of the environment that I'm in. It's not like a complete mental checkout. It's more or less a adaptation of my behaviours to fit that emotion that I'm feeling at that time whether it be overwhelmed or excitement, very strong emotions can come out and it can contribute to age regression. Age regression for me is just a way to tap into that space in my brain where I wasn't feeling safe at that actual age. Now that I'm an adult, I can revisit that when I feel safe to do so.

Q. Aar Jae Williams: What does age regression look like ? hHw does your partner recognise how your age regression presents?

Lavender Rain: My speech patterns tend to change very quickly. My attitude, the way I hold myself, I become a little bit more reserved. I clam up, I close off a little bit. Usually my hands come closer to my body, my feet will come closer and my speech patterns start to change. There becomes a lack of complex language, everything scales back to very simple statements like ‘I'm thirsty’ or ‘I want that’. But I can't express exactly what it is so then I end up going to pointing. I am semi fluent in sign language so then I will sign if I'm not able to actively get that out. This is also commonly known as being ‘non-verbal. I'm not able to verbally express what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, what I'm experiencing so I have to go about pointing, making gestures and making sounds high pitch sounds to express some kind of happiness or unhappiness, uneasiness, anxiousness, excitement what ever I’m feeling. It’s a reduction of language application in terms of how adult sounding I am versus how youthful sounding I am.

Aar Jae Williams: that's the side that affects your communication. It can be something that links to your autism. Being autistic, if you're going through sensory overloads, feeling burned out, language does get simplified. Sometimes you become semi verbal to nonverbal being more stressed which can come from any trauma based conditions, mental illnesses that can be co-diagnosed with being autistic.

Q. How do you find it being an autistic age-regressor, and how do you separate age-regression from your autistic traits?

Lavender Rain: There is a definite separation between the two. When I'm recognising that it's mostly an age regression thing. Whereby the cognition of my interaction with everything scales back. Whereas my autism It's always there, It's the way my brain perceives things with being autistic I'm very sensitive to textures, sounds, public spaces (outer wider environment). I'm more anxious and on the lookout where my awareness tends to be heightened. Whereas with age regression my awareness is dialled back .I have almost ran into traffic a couple of times on accident. With being autistic I am very hyper vigilant because my brain is heightened to sensing ; trying to process all the sounds, all the smells at once. Processing the buses, cars, buildings ; this is specific to being in public. As for the age regression that's where the overload becomes too much, my brain will begin to shut down that's when that starts to kick in that decline of cognition does begin to reduce that's when my partner has to step in and say ‘are you okay?’. I will start having to find alternative ways to communicate what I'm feeling to her, ‘I'm overwhelmed.’,’I am hungry.’, ’I’m thirsty.’, ‘I'm tired.’, ‘I'm cranky.’ , ‘I want to go home. I don't want to be here!’ It’s that thing when my autism is so overwhelmed that my brain is like that. I'm not too sure which part of the brain it would be but my interaction, my communication definitely starts to decline after a while.

Aar Jae Williams: It definitely links and attributes to you being autistic.

Q. Your autism seems to affects how you age regress and how it coexists in your brain?

Lavender Rain: Absolutely, Yes. There is some kind of link between the two and that's not to say that me as an autistic person I'm innately more likely to be childish. It's just I think how it manifests in me specifically That's how it manifests just that overload begins to cause those struggles in communication

Aar Jae Williams: the lack of ability to speak in full fluent sentences becoming non-verbal is definitely a regressive trait that links the experience of being autistic and age-regression when speech can become child like. Also with the lack of awareness of your environment that’s a form of skill regression that can occur in any condition that attributes to impairment and differences in sensory processing or any motor skill and developmental disabilities like autism and other co-diagnosed conditions like dyspraxia, ADHD to learning disabilities that can relate to what you described with when you're almost ran out into traffic, losing a sense of danger and becoming a bit more obliviousness. That is how you describe your age-regression in public the more subtle and less visible presentations of age-regression not what could be associated with what is thought with age-regression the aesthetic and paraphernalia that is  infantilised, cutesy and childish.

Q. How does it perceives in your private life? it's linked to trauma (in regards to age-regression) but you also identify as ABDL (Adult Baby Diaper Lover) as well that is based on pleasure not just trauma healing.

Lavender Rain: In my private life I spend a lot more time in that headspace because there is that security being indoors allows. I don't have to worry about myself running into traffic, to worry about dangerous outside force doing something. I'm more consciously aware of the fact that I step into that regression and when it becomes more of ABDL regression rather than cognitive overwhelm associated with age-regression manifests  in the home. Again, because of the safety and security I can go in and out of that little space whenever I want. I tend to spend more time in that headspace because my partner and I are are relaxing, talking and having fun. It also manifests in way I dress. Most of the time I do spend comfortable, more youthful clothing than I do in the outdoor world. I'm usually dressed age-appropriately because to the area that I live in a climate where Wearing pyjamas all the time just isn't the ideal thing to do. Within the home I am purposely stepping into that because I feel safe to it all of the time.

Aar Jae Williams:  In home in regards to age-regression you can allow yourself to regress voluntary rather than involuntary uncontrolled age-regression that can link to being neurodivergent and trauma based where senses and environment can trigger a form of communication and sensorial regression that is subtle. As society autistic people we are known to masking and camouflaging our traits and this to can be the same for age-regressors. I can imagine from what you implied that you wouldn’t feel comfortable or safe to regress or be in public with adult baby paraphernalia whether that is sucking a pacifier or using a baby bottle that you can mask and hide from others and many of us who use items like that do. When it comes to traffic it’s where the ability to mask neurodivergent regression slips and no one would want to be in a situation where they are oblivious to ongoing traffic and that can be how in public there is more of a risk. Explaining why you feel safer in home and can be dependent on the support of a care-giver and support in day to day life.

At least in the safety of your home you can focus on exploring the ‘ABDL’ element of your regression but your trauma based age-regression with healing your inner-child. In the previous interview I recorded with MiniMiss you have that agency to explore your age-regression and find your little side.

Q. When you are regressed at home what do you do to calm and relax yourself? So, in a nutshell what does your ‘little space’ look like?

Lavender Rain: I know out there it's a response to the environment and an experience of sensory overload. However, age-regression at home is a way for me to explore feel comfortable with the support of my partner and care-giver. Typically it involves coddling as physical touch is a very big thing in de-stressing and comforting me. I was deprived of a lot of that physical touch with my mother during those very important years of my younger life. So for me it’s healing the trauma from my childhood and needing physical reassurance from being close to someone that I feel safe with that I can open up to someone who expresses themselves in a  maternal way. My partner is very strong maternal instincts and able to provide the love and support I need both as partner and caregiver. So I think she she cues into that very well.

We watch just a lot of television together. Whilst she's at work, I am watching Peppa Pig, Garfield, cartoons, things that just make me feel cozy and are for me comfort television that fill me with nostalgia from my childhood years that I enjoyed back then when I was a child. Those programmes were often interrupted or taken away reduced. I can indulge a little bit more arts and crafts is a hobby of mine, I draw a lot and scribble on paper, it’s a stim. It’s necessary that allow my brain to just wander, not worry about colouring in the lines. I can relinquish that. Another hobby is building and playing with LEGO, which was something I enjoyed as a child and is something I continue to enjoy now and wasn’t deprived of. As more sets have come out I've brought and completed those sets and I've, sold them to make the money back to get more.  I’m continuing the activities that I enjoyed in my childhood and also indulging in the things I wasn't able to including physical touches as a source of comfort and reassurance which I now receive from my partner. I remember from watching television that programmes consistently interrupted either from my parents arguing or, it was time for me to shut down when wasn’t ready to.

Now story times are really important for me. My partner is willing and regularly reads any stories she can find on the internet. just the other day, it was ‘Bully Locks and the Three Bears’, an adapted version of Robert Southey’s children’s classic ‘Goldilocks' And The Three Bears’ which I loved. It's a little bit longer, more in depth that my adult brain was able to tune into with interest and curiosity that both my adult self and the little within me could appreciate. Even though I have ADHD my focus is still very honed into that, her voice, timbre of her voice, telling the story. I'm a big storyteller myself, so when I'm hearing stories, it activates that little space in my brain that really enjoyed absorbing information. Story times, TV, LEGO, drawing, colouring books, I enjoyed then and continue to indulge today as an adult baby

Aar Jae Williams: When you grew up you wasn't in a household where you felt truly happy which a stressful environment for a young person explaining where your childhood trauma stemmed from. Forcing you to grow up more than somebody else of the age making things difficult stifling your ability to have the time and space to play, creatively play that is activating your imagination. Not being stimulated by play. With age regression and what you'd yourself and people within the community that, it seems like a place where you can from where you might be hyper-empathetic, highly emotional and emotionally aware. Having a space where you can safely watch cartoons that can be a safe space to block out any anxiety or stress having an innocent distraction from any thoughts spinning and racing through your mind rather than a programme that could be triggering and cause any upset and feelings of distress.

Q. Is that something that you find that you benefit from with your age age regressed little space?

Lavender Rain: Absolutely. Yes. It was stress inducing back then because I knew that at some point because my brain was already up to here constantly all the time that I think it was just like a consistent, persistent state of overwhelm and burnout where I wasn't able to really allow myself to get into what I was doing.there was this, this lack of connection with the activity that I was. Putting my focus and attention in at the time because of the environment. Now that I don't have to worry about that, that stress is gone, the the tension , the constant worry of something going wrong, something happening I am able to, to let go, to just completely immerse myself and not worry about To anything else you're like going on other than people blowing up my phone and I can ignore my phone completely. o that kind of stuff definitely. I just drew to a blank. And it's definitely it stands very true. The, the ability to enjoy and absorb myself in those stimulating activities that. were very much affected by outside negative variables back then.

Aar Jae Williams: I can understand how some how we cau, the space that I think some adults could benefit from as you say that whether it's the men play therapy or like creating, like safe space to explore things that aren't stressful and get away from some of the stresses from everyday life that can cause burnout, personal anxiety, which can be more so for autistic people with burnout. And it's like, I find with burnout in autistic people, like you never return to the right energy and the same ability to mask or seem like, the more, neurotypical minds of our neurotypical people see us, the more find it harder to function in a, neurotypical environment then. It's something that has helped your autistic self. When your partner's Reading new stories and reading things that is more complex from like a children's story gets at the same time of being in that little space. You do need to of stimulating your adult mind.

Q. How do you separate yourself from age-regressed and adult baby than your adult grown-up self? And meet the needs simultaneously of the adult and the adult baby within you? What advice do you have for people who feel like they missing needed mental stimulation whilst wishing to explore age-regression?

Lavender Rain: I think one of the biggest recommendations is I don't want to assume necessarily, but I want to at least consider that a majority of the people who are stepping into this may have someone with them,  a partner whoever that might be.I don't want to exclude individuals who are kind of figuring all this out on their own.  what I can say is allow yourself to be comfortable in your own skin. That's is not like as coming from a transgender person and that perspective, that is a whole different conversation. What I want to convey here is allow yourself to step into that space. Consider the things that you would have done or the way you would have interacted with those things that you want to try or experiment with and experiment that slowly. You don't want to go head in first because that could be very overwhelming. Taking it slow and experimenting with various different activities or opening yourself up to that. Being aware to the idea of being open to that really helps because that tells your brain that this is something that we can consider and if we can consider it then we're more likely to do so especially if we feel safe.

Then create boundaries for yourself and whoever's interacting with you. Talking about that with your partner  ; that is of course if you have a partner. Express to them these are the things that I want to try. To the people who are just getting into this for the first time be honest and express that you haven't done this that initially it might feel uncomfortable, I might feel silly. Don't let yourself feel that shame because that shame is  what's going to hold you back from doing that. Shame is the root of  of negative emotions. Mental shame can paint a very negative perception on a lot of things because you've attached that emotion to those things like ‘Oh I want to try to regress into that.’ However, ‘I feel weird. I feel shame.’,  that’s okay and is very normal to feel that way. You'll feel silly. You'll feel weird. You get a yucky feeling but not all the time it's liberating being able to step into that for the first time as it’s first step in unmasking and finding yourself and exploring your dreams and desires of things that you want to do and who you want to be. For me at first it felt silly because it was rammed in my head over years and years and of where I had to grow up so quickly thatI wasn't able to make those connections that I could allow myself to do this. With time I could begin to  allow myself to feel positive emotions rather than guilt, shame, disgust, anxiety. Creating boundaries is important in becoming open to it and honesty and trust with yourself. You got to find your place dip your toes in somehow, somewhere.

Then finding your community helps with that, that headspace and with the feeling of loneliness and isolation that at the start when you are the only age-regressor or adult baby as that can be very daunting. It can puts even more stress on you are living with the fear of ‘What if someone finds out about this, like, I'm that, that one off person that people are going to think is just really weird.’It's the benefit of having social media like Instagram, Twitter X, as problematic the latter can be I’ve are good people on there who are nothing but sweet, wonderful people who have helped contribute to my age regression, have made suggestions on the kinds of things that I should do and try in regards to my relationship with my partner

Then, trust that is the most important thing to have trust in yourself and trust in the people around you.  having trust in yourself in that headspace can allow yourself to relinquish that control and not walk out feeling some kind of negativity that will ultimately benefit you in the long run.

Then you have to find the things that you enjoy. Think back to the things that you did when you were a child or the things that you wish you had the chance to enjoy as a child to rekindle the inner child like joy within you. o if you want to get that Lego set, get that Lego set. If you want to get that stuffy, get that stuffy. If you want to get that board game, get that board game. Give yourself permission to do that because what I've noticed in talking to a lot of people in this community is they just didn't have that permission of the things you weren't allowed. Allow yourself fulfilment. You want to walk into that store and you see something on that toy shelf that you really want, but you feel weird about it, just do it anyways. You're going to feel a lot better at the end about it. That's what I've taken away allow yourself that thing that you wanted and unlearn the judgement and prejudice that would prevent you from doing so.

Aar Jae Williams: it's a thing to overcome that I understand many people would feel because if you're in an environment where you might not be able to, where you have to mask, like, yourself, you have to, sometimes in the situations you feel like, for your own safety, you might have to mask your autism, and like, it's like, sometimes, you wouldn't be able to be as safe.in public you wouldn't be as, regressed or into your little space. Like in the clothes you feel closer, you like to wear, in within confidence. So it does take, so it does take a lot to get to that point. But say that if you can just like, listen to like people to hear voices like yourself talking about your experience and your confidence and that can help, help a person out because it's a sure that you're not alone in this and there's other people who when use these things that may not be typical of their age and it's good to challenge that stigma and barriers to things.

Q. When you had started out  experimenting with your age regressions, what were the things that you started out with? and, the things that helped you really explore and get into that space and that made you feel happy?

Lavender Rain: At first, I had to accept that part of me was lacking. There was a part of like an integral part of my personality that needing that relinquishment, I needed to learn how to let go because I'm a very highly anxious person. I'm constantly holding onto internalising things, let that breath go. You're holding it in for too long. You're going to pass out eventually. Letting go of that, the shame, the guilt . I had to internalise some kind of relief and it wasn't easy telling myself that because things I was told I internalised over year . So having a partner. That was comfortable and open to me. Letting go ultimately helps now. That's not a prerequisite to letting go. You don't have to have some external force, some external source telling you, you can also do this that validation sure is helpful, but the ultimate source of validation is within yourself. No one can tell you what to do. No one can force you to do anything other than yourself. So, I had to accept that I'm the arbiter of my life, I have agency and as an autistic person, I think a lot of autistic people can relate to this, we're very aware to our self advocacy.self advocacy in autistic individuals is very high. There's a lot of studies that I've heard, there's a lot of Metrics that have, that have shown that like self advocacy, like, Hey, I'm a person, I deserve X, Y, and Z. I know what I need and people that disagree or say, no, I think,, X, Y, and Z is better suited. That external invalidation can really negatively impact that internal invalidation that you're trying to have for yourself. So something that I actually have talked to a couple people about is don't worry about the naysayers. Don't worry about what other people have to say about that, especially if it's just negativity.

Negativity really drives, it locks people in. Negativity, and this is what I was just talking about a second ago is like that shame and that guilt. So, for me, I had to understand that there is guilt and shame attached to that, and if I held on to that any longer, it was going to continuously impact negatively, there we go, saying negatively again my development as a person. So it's understanding that there's that missing piece, how do I go about finding that missing piece? And in this case, it's age aggression, it's enjoying more. And I think you put it in a really great way, not age appropriate things, because as an autistic person in a very shaky household, forced to grow up very fast.

I had to move away from those things very quickly because at the time it was all right, it's, it's kind of time to put those things down, honey, It's like, I don't really want to, but okay. Walking into the online age play or age regression space, I was immediately opened up to so many things the first steps that I could take, so, like I think a lot of it had to do with, like, attachment items a example I have nearby me is a Stuffy. Stuffies are a great way to get to, to get into that because age regression and stuffies are very hand in hand. So having like something that you can cuddle with, something that you can become attached to. My first attachment it's a Minnie Mouse stuffy which my partner bought for me at a thrift shop.

That was only a year ago, even the course of the year is when a lot of this started to make more sense to me. I had to allow myself to buy stuffies and after buying the stuffy, that opened up a space in my brain that was lacking that missing piece. Having something I can cuddle with that has some auditory feedback. This one rattles. Sensory feedback that makes you feel comfortable, I think is important. For me, to sum it up is to for me, it was just stepping into my first stuffy, something that I could hold on to feel, I can give it a name, I can give it a personality.

It's an extension of me, the smaller side of me, that imaginative, creative, adventurous part of me. I can go on adventures with this guy in my own mind. I can go on adventures with this guy in the outside world, and if I'm not feeling comfortable in a certain space, I have something close to me that reminds me that everything is okay. It's okay to feel vulnerable if I need to be

Aar Jae Williams: That totally does make sense. It's something that you identify as an age-regressor or if you use the word ‘little’, it's something that autistic people whether you are an age-regressor or not have their own comfort items that we are attached to and that can provide sensory feedback and be the needed stimulation we need as stimming object for an age-regressor it could be a pacifier, blanket and plush toy or as you use the phrase ‘stuffie’ some of which autistic and neurodivergent people use without identifying as an age-regressor. It’s the things that help with anxiety. These are things that can give us confidence and grant us more independence and stop us from having full blown panic attacks or meltdowns when we leave the house. I know autistic people who may need fidget toys or chewllery something to calm our hands and stop our minds from racing and having something that can stop us biting on our lips digging our nails into our skin, bitting our nails till they bleed. I can relate to feeling anxious and lacking confidence confidence that impacts my independence. I’ve never gone beyond my village by myself. Never gone into town on my own theres that fear of being out by yourself would leave you lonely and isolated and being absolutely clueless in what to do with yourself. I certainly feel that. With having your stuffy with you, that is if you are one of the people to have the confidence to bring it with you although it can’t interact with you that sense of having an object makes you feel less alone, makes you feel grounded, gives you a sense of home and familiarity when you are out of your comfort zone. It’s what makes you more relaxed and at peace because  of that companionship.

Lavender Rain: I spent about six months away from my partner {insert photo here} I have had him this little guy right here since just before Christmas. When I got this Minnie Mouse stuffy  took her everywhere. I took her to the store, to the library, to work a couple times. At work there are times where work is so stressful that I needed my Minnie Mouse near me. I would just keep her by my backpack and fortunately, I think as time has gone on a lot of the naysayers have drifted away. It just helps knowing she is there. The generation of people that I hang out with tend to understand that but they can jealous at your confidence to carry a stuffed toy with you out in public and at the age of 25. They say they feel awkward doing that but are very encouraging and that helps me. It's a societal thing having something or someone. My plush toys are a someone and they give me that sense of connection with a part of myself, that younger more adolescent part of myself. In times where I'm not able to be with maternal figure, my caregiver, my partner, they do fils a gap that was there for a long time because of that separation at a young age where I was moving on from those childlike things when I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to let go of those things, nor should I have to. I was forced to grow up which a created that void.

I was watching a YouTube video this morning this content creator, her entire channel is focused around autism stuff. One of my special interests is autism and psychology. She was talking about this this individual who posted on social media during the holiday season about a family get together where there was a big blow up between a couple of the family members and the autistic child of this family and they were upset this autistic child still preferred more childlike things like squish mellows, toys, interactive toys. They were 19 and how that was seen as too childish and not age appropriate. I had a problem with that because here I am clutching my not age appropriate stuffy at 25 years old. This stigma around what is deemed age appropriate is problematic. Allowing yourself to have those things that are not age appropriate really does help, especially if it's something that you can take around with you.

Aar Jae Williams: I’m another person that kind of goes out by myself and feels that independence. That's like last year, like, I had the dog with my grandparents I've had for years. I've been looking after it now and it's like until then it wouldn't really rock, go on the rock even around my village. But now like since I had him I'm like started to go out on the rocks around the village and it'd be more Active by doing something by myself.

it's that thing, as I said earlier, it's like, could even be like a pet, but it could easily be like, some sort of comforter, like you, you said you like. Minnie Mouse Stuffy, or, like the octopus runner you have with you. That's something that, when you're going out, it can give you that sense of comfort, but I'd say if you are one person doing it, it's something that, once you build up the confidence with it, it can allow yourself to be a bit more capable to unmask in public and less say and answers about the thought of even doing it. Can feel okay with yourself and start to ignore any judgement. And even by that, if somebody there sees you doing it, as you said, you have people feeling a bit jealous of that. But then it could give, like, courage for another person. To think of if I would feel comfortable, more relaxed, less stressed and anxious or something like that.

Maybe it's something odd to try or maybe it's something that I should be more open to and shouldn't judge other people body. So as like, it seems that, as I say, that there's the old, let's use takes like years, decades to him. But it's just like. But the small things can definitely help.

Lavender Rain: Pets can be a comfort item too. I grew up with cats and a couple dogs. I’m more of a cat person. I have two cats, one of them is right here between my legs. She is my princess, she brings me the ultimate kind of grounding. Ahe reminds me that it's okay to just sit and be cute and cozy and that everything is okay. having an emotional support animal as an autistic person really does help. It doesn't even have to be a stuffy, a blankie or a toy, it can be a pet.

My Gender Transitioning Journey

Q. Aar Jae Williams: You felt that it's something that was missing from your personality. When was it that you worked out you were an age-regressor and an adult baby?

That it was like age regress and age regressing that was missing from your personality. And do you think that it's like you always been regressed and did something that, or was it something that you realised that you started doing later on?

Lavender Rain:  It took a while for me to really look into it. This would actually be a, a great moment for me to explain my transitioning pre transition I was your typical stoic male, big beard strong, couldn't show emotion, anything like that harms men in that lack of desire, of willingness to tap into those emotions, and then that goes down that rabbit hole of men aren't tapping into their emotions . When I allowed myself to look into this and when I started transitioning coming out of that strong stoicism, exploring age aggression, helped me understand playfulness ,understand aloofness, allowing myself to not be so serious and to allow my imagination to flourish because femininity and childishness are very closely associated, not linked, I would say associated, if you look at like Disney princesses often very childish, aloof, imaginative, very optimistic, whereas the stoic male can be very grounded, logical, calculated. So embracing some kind of playfulness helped when I started going down this path . As I started transition exploring femininity that playfulness one of the other missing pieces because I took myself seriously for so long that I lost that connection with the the playful, creative, imaginative nature that I think that says as humans we should be allowed to indulge . We're forced to conform to these very strict, structured routines., that dilutes that playfulness that a lot of people yearn for. Whether they realise that or not, so age regression has been one of those things that has allowed me that place to, to explore the youthfulness, playfulness the things that I  my masculinity was locking it in a box and once that box was opened it was like Pandora's box. As I've gotten older, I've only been transitioning for a couple of years and I think I started or restarted I've done this twice. Officially I got back to my gender transitioning journey at the age of 23. At the time, I was very closed off, anxious, angry and pent up.

When I finally let go of that negativity and that shame, and I allowed myself to step into that, I allowed myself to invest in cute, soft things,, I opened myself up to those spaces in my mind that were locked away. And I was, I eventually started having conversations with like internal conversations with that younger side of myself that really needed that validation, like, Hey, I'm still here. I need you to recognize that, I was ignored for a very long time. And that put a lot more into my personality and it even helps me at work, it gave me more confidence. It it even helped me understand my autism more, my sensory needs, my communication needs. I became more open with myself when I stepped into this.

When I became more open with myself, that. Stoked confidence that's stoked. I think like a positive type of self awareness to like, not like a, like an anxious self awareness, like, oh, am I doing something wrong wearing the mask all the time? Constantly masking. I've actually found myself masking a lot less in public. As I've gotten older and as I've become more interconnected with this part of myself, I’ve become more autistic as I have gotten older as I’ve learnt to unmask and to find and discover my autistic self. I know my needs, I know the way that I interact with people because I've spent more time in that headspace.

Aar Jae Williams: I kind of get the whole thing of being a lot more autistic when you get older. As, a child you might not be explained what autism is. Autism really meant and something that I can understand how people like ourselves because we had a lack of information that's kind of becomes like a special focused interest of wanting to understand ourselves learn a lot more about being autistic. You transitioning helped you understand a lot more about your autism and yourself and that allowed you to express of your emotions and deal with trauma .

Q. How did you recognise you were a woman and you knew you needed to transition? After all, you described that you were a stoic male, so what would you describe as the turning point that that the woman inside of you was needing to come out and your femininity was lacking from your personality and lacking from your own expression?

Lavender Rain: I think it was a partner that I had at the time. They were very feminine and there was  a feminine gap in me that I was missing my entire life, I low key knew that I wasn't a boy. I needed something to attach that to, and I needed the freedom to explore that. When I was younger my siblings and I would engage in role play and parallel play Along with like tv shows that we were watching at the time. So like something I was very big into was Scooby Doo and Teen Titans like the original teen titan, my favourite characters between those two were daphne and raven.

I was always role playing those two characters very female characters and That kind of dipped in and out and as I got older, I started to feel a little bit more insecure about those feelings and it kind of got internalized and then as I got older and I started engaging in more adult relationships, I ended up in a very close, intimate relationship with a very feminine individual who is socially liberal which at the time I was more socially conservative. As a very open minded person, I really started to engage in conversation with this person about like the things that they feel and believe I have to take a step back. When I just mentioned, I needed something to associate, I needed a word, an idea to put that feeling that I had to, and sometime in my freshman, sophomore year of high school, that summer before sophomore year of high school, and this was around 2013 to 2014 roughly. I discovered the term transgender on my school computers. I had someone who I was going to school with who carried that label and I was like, what is this? My father described to me what a transvestite was. So I kind of started looking that up and then I went to the rabbit hole of transgender and that's when I think I finally had something that answered that question, like this is how I'm feeling. I dabbled in that throughout high school, didn't get very good responses from my family. further created some internalised feeling, like maybe this isn't right. Maybe I am wrong. And then it was just a lot of derogatory conversations from my family. And then that kind of further pushed that in.

then it wasn't until that partner that I had, where I explained to them, like , I feel I've felt certain ways about myself in the past. I've wanted to transition. I'm 99 percent sure I'm transgender. I almost self identified as gender-fluid for the longest time because I found myself going in and out of it. What I came to learn through this partner was I'm not gender-fluid, I'm very much transgender because there are a lot of feminine aspects about me that have come out when I was a part of this this relationship. For example this partner was big on wigs, very big on anime characters. She was into cosplaying making an online content for Tik Tok she interacted with that audience and that femininity really resonated with me. That kind of femininity, that bright, bubbly, almost not really. Bimbo esque, but very hyper feminine to an extent, and when I allowed myself to step into that, when she expressed the willingness to engage in a relationship with me, was it when I started to really devote more time to actually pursuing that.

For the longest time I avoided transitioning because it prevented me from pursuing a relationship with someone.  I'm very relationship driven. I've always had been seeking a long term relationship from a very young age. I was a very devoted to someone in high school, wanted a high school sweetheart. I came out to the trans as them unfortunately they didn't take it very well. Then, it was on and off for about four years and I'd had to closet that part of me just to keep this relationship going and that wasn't fulfilling to me. So when this relationship came along where they were open to that that really helped. That was when I got on hormones for the first time. When the hormones started that changed the way that my emotions manifested. I got far more emotional upset very quickly. I got very just agitated very fast. So that had its negative consequences on the relationship, which didn't last very long, or the relationship consequently did not last very long.

When I ended up moving out of state and then I closeted it all over again. I was very devoted to the idea that I was a man and become certain that I couldn’t transition. Then I tried it went on hormones and it didn't work at first. it didn't make me feel the right way. I met my partner who I'm with now who we have been married for almost two years at this point, and I have never felt any more interconnected with myself ever before. The validation from a partner really allowed myself to open up to this part of myself. Helped me become who I am. So if it weren't for her, I assume with being bisexual made her more open minded really helped. I was able open up to her about just my incontinence problems which is where the diaper wearing comes from and the age play which has been a problem across my entire life. There is trauma attached to that. She was very comfortable with that and accepted me and my incontinence and diaper wearing. She was cool with it and that reaction allowed me to express to her that I was trans in the past and, this person that I was with. we were together and I was transitioning and then like the hormones kind of had their negative consequences. All this I elaborated upon. She took that and she thought about it and she understands. If that's something you'd want to do, I'd fully support it and I'd love you the same. I decided to try the transitioning process again, I think it was the same month, same week, two years later, I got back on hormones and I haven't looked back since.

Aar Jae Williams: when you were saying about you feeling there was something missing in the personality, then it's, and for the whole story, as you explained about your transition, as you say, that there was a lot of masking and like at the time, I'll say that when you were at your own most, when you were male present then, pre transition at what would be like, you seen as the most masculine and it, it was something, was more of trying to,  play something that you wasn't and, I guess, trying to be a person that you weren't and you wasn't in an environment where you could feel too confident and wasn't validated by your friends, your partners and like the community environment you grew up in and years ago you stated you socially conservative, it wasn't being socially conservative, but it was living in a socially conservative environment. The impact of being exposed to that environment and how that kind of creates that mindset and I guess then having moved out of your state, having, and now having a partner who's bisexual, socially liberal and progressive. Being autistic, I said that sometimes you can be able to be individualistic, more liberally minded, more self expressive and advocate for yourself, but it's only something you can do with the right information, knowledge, and the right support, and something that I suppose every trans autistic people, gender-fluid, non binary people do struggle with that, yourself, as you said that like going through with.

When you first tried to transition at the time you probably felt alone and isolated in it because you didn't have anybody who could explain and explore with you what transitioning actually looks like in terms of because It's something that definitely isn't plain sailing and, doesn't make you feel great within yourself at first. The hormonal changes, and being autistic dealing with that change of emotions can be overwhelming but being in a position where you can have that support that this is normal to feel this way when you're transitioning and feel now accepted and validated.

Lavender Rain:  Environment is, that's something that I recognised, I think, very early on was Environment is key when it comes to how an autistic person, an autistic person specifically can develop. Like, if you in my instance, closeted trans, my entire life my household, And funny enough, wasn't even really that conservative either, like my father of course had his conservative values because he was raised by the former World War II vet, Shellshocked, like, to the nines. There was that, and my mother, psychologist, everything like that, works with kids, very socially liberal. There's this weird dichotomous environment that I was raised in where I was like they didn't understand a lot of things that I was dealing with internally because they had no exposure or knowledge in that, specifically, I don't want to expose too much about my family or anything like that, but I do  understand that. No my grandfathers are actually gay. I've had that kind of exposure. d so what my father was definitely of the opinion that is my, is my child is gay. And I had to explain to him, no, I still like chicks. He thought ‘but you can't be trans and straight at the same time.’ And I'm like, ‘Are you sure?’ So, there was that, that lack of education that really negatively impacted the relationship with my family and I. And then again, there's the, the weird mixed, and I'm, I'm not gonna drag politics in this, but like, consider liberal household, like, very family tied, but also very progressively minded without the exposure of the outside world.

It's very sheltered. Things were the way they were. My family like understood things the way that they were 20 years ago, but that didn't really apply to the times at that time because the internet was suddenly more proliferated than it has ever been. And it's only got more at that since then. Stepping back to just environment is really key to the, the development. I think not even just autistic people is just anybody. All autistic people as well. You stick a very artistic person in a very academic, structured household, you're going to get tug and pull. You put someone who may perceive the world spiritually a little bit differently into a very structured Christian household or vice versa.

That can create tension that can create some kind of dissonance later in life. Even within that person, they internalize all the things that they were raised in that environment. They start to question things about themselves. Am I right? Am I wrong? Should I be feeling this way? Is it okay to be feeling this way? Am I, am I just a weird, am I that one off, odd case? And a lot of the time that is not the case. it's environment. So now that when I was able to, not when I was able to have that kind of support and have, or when I was exposed to that kind of support and when I was in an environment.

That allowed for that kind of discourse, did it allow me to open myself up to those potentials that maybe I can do these things with myself, I can explore these ideas, and maybe this could actually benefit me, maybe, because I'm no longer held back. By the beliefs that my family had imposed on me for so long, and they also were very big proponents of if you want to do these things, you're going to have to do it as an adult.

But as long as you are under our household, under our roof you basically have to say and do as we tell you, which is toxic on its own. Again, environment really does shape how someone can develop as a person. And I think separation from Very overbearing parents, especially, or caregivers, whoever, doesn't even have to be parents, grandparents, aunt, uncle, whatever most of the time does dividends, you, a lot of time, it's, can go one of two ways, you either see people do really well, or you see people crash and burn because they had that lack of knowledge, and for me, I crashed and burned before things got better and it was that learning experience through finally distilling myself into an environment, That was conducive to the development of my personality.

Aar Jae Williams: I think it's that thing that you don't want to go too deeper personal into the family side of things. But from where I was since then, it's like, that some of them will meet, I guess, more hard, but barriers with the family is sometimes. It's not always no way to talk to a family member about these things or feel entirely know how to feel and, and potentially and confident in talking about these things and feel of like whether, how we would affect your relationship with them and what and how we could impact them and cause more conflict.

Then, if you're entirely not 100 percent trustworthy that it could go well for you, it's then harder to be yourself in front of them. even though they weren't entirely, like, fully, like, socially accursed. Conservative devout of an ideology, but I guess it's just that kind of, kind of writers or society in general and kind of quite common, the kind of anxiety about something more very liberal and, you know, like something that isn't, you know, necessarily something ordinary or, you like familiar with in a community, as to say that, , when you're growing up and, even people like, like ten years ago and sometimes people of older generations, whilst they might, have gay relatives and , like, gay grandparents and stuff like that, it's something that bisexuality and pansexuality may be something a bit confusing and, misunderstood and misrepresented.

Being trans and transitioning, that's being played about in the media and in the so called culture wars that's causing a lot of anxiety and problems for the whole trans and non-binary community as a whole. Even with some people who are not technically conservative but not strictly liberal, there's a lot of anxiety and uncertainty around trans people, transphobia in society at large. It’s common to be neurodivergent in gender and sexuality. Then I can understand how highly common your experience must be for some autistic people.

Lavender Rain:  Neurodivergency, we still know not a lot, but we know a lot more than we did 20, 30 years ago. And it's funny I don't know if I had mentioned this already, but my mother is a psychologist and received her master's degree in psychology, researcher specialization, child psychology. She works day in and day out with people with ADHD. to an extent, she understands neurodivergency. Neurodivergency definitely goest further than just ADHD. And that's something I've had to, to recognize that like my mother, even though that they struggled raising me because of the way my brain works and they just, they didn't understand because there's a, there's a separation that exists in families who have neurodivergent children.

When I speak of neurodivergency, I want to almost. And not as a, as a blanket generalization, but as I'm going further forward, I am highlighting more autism, I guess. I'm an autistic person that's just who I am, it's a part of my personality, I don't, I don't have autism, I don't carry it around like a little handbag, I'm an autistic person, so like, living with that day in and day out affects everything from how I understand social cues to how I, sensory, why is the sky blue, things that I question, things like that, and with my mother being a psychologist, she's obviously very bright and well educated. However, going past just like the, the basic differences between neurotypical and neurodivergent brains our, understanding or our perception of gender, sexual orientation, anything like that is very diverse. Our understanding of what gender is. I think it's a bit more skewed because when we think about gender. Me personally, I can't speak on behalf of all autistic people because it is very much a spectrum. When I perceive gender, my first question is, ‘what is gender in the first place?’. Historically during the post-war period of the 40s and 50s One of America’s presidents said ‘boys wear blue, girls wear pink.’ and that's just kind of how it's been since. It's been that very homogenous enforced thing for so long that from this more progressive generation of people that are a bit more open minded, and then we're given the internet, internet discourse, allowed it.

More neurodivergent people explore these ideas around gender and consider the fact that it can't be this weird binary thing, that doesn't line up with the binary. So, am I broken? Is there something wrong with me? Easy to think when there isn’t anything but hostility towards those beyond the binary of cis-gendered norms. You could reference the DSM 5 which I haven't read it in a long time. I can't remember if gender dysphoria was completely taken out of the DSM 5. As of the DSM 4 it was classed as a neurological disorder, a diagnosable mental problem. I know over on the other side of the pond, you have to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria to receive some kind of gender care. At the time of me receiving my care that was the case. I don't know if that's the case anymore because of this binary thing that has been established for so long neurodivergent people have had to struggle with. Neurotypical people who subscribe to the binary it creates, again, dissonance between us and them. It creates an us and them dynamic.

if you look at society right now, how divided the entire world, it's not just the U.S. they've got the same issues going on across the pond. I'm familiar with that what I'm talking about. So like, the binary really did us in for a lot of issues. I think neurodivergent people can understand that a little bit better because we are able to process things a little bit differently that maybe neurotypical people can't. And this is just a metaphorical example, we look at a painting and we can, we can draw conclusions that the person that painted the painting in the first place is like, what do you mean?

I don't understand what you're getting at. So just because the way our brains are wired innately I think arms us with the ability to challenge things that have been established and maybe have done us more harm than good. Yeah, as I've stepped out of that binary, I feel more better as a person. I feel like I understand myself and I understand the world a little bit better because I have been able to explore these things differently than the neurotypical people can that have been running the world for so long.

We also have to recognize that we are neurodivergent people. When I say we, we as neurodivergent people. I'm talking to the neurodivergent community. We live in a neurotypical world. We live in a world that is very structured and set up in a way that best suit people. That the fall into the typical brain chemistry, however you want to go about explaining that, so it's, it's troublesome because when you have transgender people, binary people, pansexual people, whoever trying to make these points to people that established a binary so long ago on very conservative values it creates So, Tension, kids having traumatic experiences with their families. In my experience they just don't understand, they don't get it. It's like, they're out of touch. that's what you kind of hear a lot. It's like, you're just a little out of touch old man. And I think the more that autistic people, neurodivergent people come together and recognise that Our experience, our perception of the world is significantly different than the people who are running it. We've, we obviously have to do something about it. We have to create some kind of, we have to stand our ground. And as a person who lives that, it's, it's tricky because we can understand it a little bit better than they can. It's just that disconnect there that how do we bridge that gap? Yeah, because it's How much?

Aar Jae Williams: it's definitely tricky because as I think the most, the key thing of actually making that change to bridging the gap is actually having people to listen to us, but as you say that, for like the trans non binary community.

It's that people talk over us and not actually listen and hear the words we're saying and actually listen to understand our experiences. And as you talk about the newer divergent community, most, well, the majority of the newer divergent community definitely have an instinct to tell people, like, The, I might not be who you think I am and I have a right to express that and be myself, find and explore that and not be put into any sort of box or stereotype of like varying my gendersjust like boys as you might have thought of, you know, boys years ago, but I could be like non binary, like, As in, I identify as non binary myself, but I'm not a lot, exactly like I'm sometimes masking out to other people around me.

I might not always be as open if ever that's correcting people on, you know, like misuses of, you know, pronouns or whatever. But it's something that I see that could be very of liberating and like finding ways of, like, expressive in my Like I could express my appearance or whatever, and like, as you say that, you know, like, it has helped you have more sense, sense of empathy like, sense of how you look at yourself. When you look at yourself,with gender now, it does help that you can be a bit more yourself as to otherwise, it's like you feel a lot unmasked then if you're not expressing yourself.

Lavender Rain: Absolutely being able to express that openly has helped with that unmasking. A lot of people understand what masking means. I believe we've used that term a couple of times you're good. Being honest with yourself and also just being honest with people and having a willingness to have rapport with people who may not understand that I think it's gonna be the most beneficial thing.

Cause you'll end up with these very one way conversations. I'm trying to say one thing. You're trying to say another. There's, there's no connect there. So I think as time goes on, I really hope that the neurodivergent community, trans community, LGBTQ community, however you want to slice it, however you want to label it.

I think we need to be more receptive of what the other side has to say, but the other side also has to be receptive of us as well, because the world is changing very quickly. And with the advent of the internet, it's, it's only going to keep going up and up and up. And as things get harder and harder, I think we need to have, we just need to be more open to the idea that we both have different experiences, we perceive and feel differently, and once there's some kind of, I think there needs to be a communion among the community, because there's even the division within our communities themselves We're even getting in fights with each other and even in the APTL age or Russian community there's, there's inviting all the time and I see it and I'm just like, I wish we could just get over this.

We're all on the same team. We're all fighting the same battle. We all are I think we've all become individually radicalized in some kind of way And so once we can kind of get over our own egos in that way because I think we've all got an ego We all do they're all inflated and now that we have the internet We all have the opportunity to be that one person everyone hears.

So once we stop, Forcing everyone to listen to us And once the division of opinions can kind of be diluted down and like, we understand there just has to be some kind of overall acceptance of what can be. And if we can apply that, whatever that end is will there be some kind of union across communities?

Aar Jae Williams: As you were saying it's something that, neurodivergent people, we have to self advocate, do self advocacy for ourselves as individuals and communicating our needs. But, as I say, the importance of doing it as a community. Whether it's as trans, non binary, neurodivergent community, community like, you've got to be able to, group together and actually, advocate because sometimes, as you say that, sometimes you may be like, Non-speaking or semi speaking like when you progressed and feeling in that small space. Then there like autistic burnout. You might not be able to have the energy and ability, ability to actually. When people are able to you are able to make people listen and sometimes not have the energy and the capacity to make people listen. And that's definitely like a big thing of the importance of having a community there to advocate and actually to get people on the same page.

Getting diagnosed with neurodivergent conditions

Q. At what point did you find out you were autistic and had ADHD and get your diagnosis?

Lavender Rain:  I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 5 years old. Diagnosed very young at the time  my mother was tarting her psychology program at the time, so I think it was like, she started to notice as she was being educated that I had a displacement for these. Possibilities that I was possibly ADHD and so tested positive for ADHD and then when I, when it was made known to me that I was autistic at the time this was the age of the DSM 4. So at the time I was diagnosed with PDD NOS, which is pervasive developmental disorder, not otherwise specified. Or not specified.

I can't remember exactly what the NOS is exactly, but it's like not specified. So it's not a specific pervasive developmental disorder. So. What that meant was like I fit criteria for a couple of different things like lack of social skills inability to recognize cues, things like that emotional dysregulation problems with learning, I guess like some kind of learning disability.

I haven't really researched PDD  NOS specifically because it's not in the DSM anymore,. It's not really relevant. Is that the advent of the DSM five, it became. Autism Spectrum Disorder, ASD, so I could possibly, like, I could go back and get retested and just, like, get reclassified under ASD, but as it stands, because of the updates and everything like that and as my mother has made it easy for me to understand it falls under Autism Spectrum.

where under Autism Spectrum, there's more Asperger's versus more, I can't, what the other side of the scale is. But that's another way of looking at it, and I think, based on the way that my, at least my mother and my father explained it to me it tips a little bit more towards the Asperger's side, but I, again, it's a spectrum you can't really pinpoint exactly where. To explain this is like autistic people have spiky profiles. So like we can be great in certain areas, like special interests, filing away facts and retaining information about things that we are very interested in.It's something we're very good at. However, there could be other areas that we're, we could be lacking in like the ability to communicate certain emotions, being able to perceive certain emotions, even like understanding like what I am feeling is something a lot of autistic people struggle in. Others can pinpoint that maybe a little bit better than others. And then there can be like dyspraxia, being able to coordinate, understanding where we are in physical space, dyslexia, something that I struggle with. Jumbling words together, talking too fast which is also could be like comorbidity with ADHD, having comorbid symptoms of other mental complications,

Q. Aar Jae Williams: that's where the kind of big bubble of what comes under the neurodivergent and all these different conditions and like how they relate to this part of yourself. you've got ADHD and what age was your autism diagnosis exactly?

Lavender Rain: I was in middle school at the time. My family had noticed that I was struggling in school and with social issues, the social cue thing was something that they picked up on so they had me tested. It was right after a bunch of legal stints that I ended up in a week in juvenile lockup for a lot of stuff that I was doing at the time. They needed answers so I was put through mental evaluations with a psychologist and therapies ; PSR developmental ; it was DT developmental therapy. I got tied to a bunch of mental health specialists and they deduced that I had PDD NOS. This is at the time of the DSM4 when was in my early teens around the ages of 12 and 13 where I had my diagnoses. As I may have mentioned earlier, I'm of the belief that when I talk about being an autistic person. I don't have autism. I don't carry it around like this thing. It is who I am as a person. It is an innate part of my personality. How I perceive the world ow I interact with individuals and the world itself.

Aar Jae Williams: then it kind of, understand then when you like, link into like I would like your experience of like, with a test, like latest diagnosis, then kind of explains how some, like sometimes like it presents a bit with mental health like struggles and challenges and then, I'll say that I guess before you were diagnosed then like, you know when you said you were, you were re juvenile prison, you must, I assume that must be some of the misunderstandings or of like maybe autistic be neurodivergent behavior, even though we're, Don't want me, not meant to go into the circumstances of all that, but it's something I guess you know about, but it's like something that you might have only started recognizing, so like in your adult years what it really means to be autistic since you didn't have the understanding of what you, almost like what your gender was when you were younger.

My Family & Family Trauma

Lavender Rain: Looking back it's harder because I know so much more than you did now, and I'm thinking about how my mother was a psychologist. I wish she would have known a lot of this. I understand that it's not a specialty and it's different raising a kid with autism than it is working with someone that you have diagnosed, that this person is autistic, that you haven't, you've deduce that through some kind of scientific metric based way. You can visually see these are how, these are statistically numbers, whatever, however you want to go about explaining that, this is how this person marks, this is how the brain works. Whereas I gave birth to this person, this, this is, of how they behave. I don't understand a lot of this at all, even though like, yes, my background may be an X, Y, and Z, but like that's, it's very hard to apply that to your child.

So at the time one thing that I will be transparent about is I was raised in a very alcohol household. There was a lot of alcohol abuse involved, especially my father. And then in, in lieu of that, my, mother kind of adopted that, the alcohol abuse as well, because I think it was a way for her to cope with the fact that her husband wasn't treating her very well because of it, so she kept up with him to numb that or to keep up with him. Say for sure that's how it was, but what that ended up causing was a lot of emotional tensions between them and then emotional tensions between me and my father. Now my father and I share no blood. He's, he's, he's a stepfather, I guess is the best way to explain it. However, because he stepped into my life at such a young age I had to have been about six months old when I met him, that when they were married, I was about a year and a half.

my second youngest sibling was just barely born at this time. He is my father by all extents other than the fact that we don't share blood. So that made it really hard cause like I understood that we didn't share that paternal relationship, I was very leaning towards my mother because of the things that my mother was struggling with and my own mental my own, special needs that I needed and made it hard for them to manage me because they were busy drinking a lot of the time and constantly getting in arguments. they were at each other's throats enough where that, that stress was then put onto me.

That stressed me out. I was constantly exposed to domestic violence, arguments that led from nine o'clock in the evening till three o'clock in the morning, constant threats of leaving. This lead to me removing myself from that situation in running away and engaging in delinquency which became a concerning problem. Feeding into resentment that was already built between my parents and the rift between my father was just a perfect recipe for disaster having a neurodivergent child was chaotic and disorganisaed. I couldn’t understand sarcasm. I took everything very literally which caused anxiety disorder and depression. Neurodegenerative people, autistic people are statistically significantly higher to have to have anxiety and depression.

My father had suffered from anxiety too. My mother having her own mental health problems from an abusive relationship whilst trying to do her best by raising four children, one of which was a delinquent, in lockup always running away, trying to manage an out of control child became very hard. So, it was very confusing for all of us, and I think that did a lot more harm than good. They didn’t understand me as a child because I was not willing to open up to them. My safety was threatened. I can even go back to a memory that I had when I was three years old, I can remember banging on the door a lot, asking for my mother, crying out for my mother, and eventually my father during a drunken rage which led to him ripping my door off of my hinges never to be seen again. Any sense of safety that I was supposed to have at a very young age was stripped away from me. I never felt safe and that really negative impacted my development and  my relationship with my family followed by a domino effect. Being a neurodivergent child in an already shaky household did not work out y well in terms of communication with people that don't understand, As I couldn't do anything to make them understand. I was too scared to explain that to them. I didn't feel like they would believe me.

Aar Jae Williams: It's a sad fact that there are many neurodivergent people who I’ve come across online who grew up in a home from a early age with parents and family who have issues of their own to deal with making it hard to have a good and healthy relationship with them. Whether thats them having issues with addiction and addictive personalities, addicted to alcohol and other substances, having abusive traits where the whole household is exposed to anger, distress and upset causing deep complex trauma making it hard to know what a healthy relationship looks like. It’s also common for autistic people in late diagnoses to state that one of their parents show signs of having a personality disorder with narcissistic behaviour and being neglectful of their needs and interests creating a sense of loneliness and isolation. Growing up in.a house of distrust and ableism from those who are to nurture and care for you. It’s sadly common.

In these situations you lose out on the childhood you should’ve been afforded aware of so much troubles and conflict from a young age doesn’t allow you a real childhood. You most probably wish you could be oblivious to the harsh grimness of what adults describe as the fearful ‘big bad world’. Playing make believe and having that childlike joy and imagination should give children escapism from being overwhelmed by things going on in the world around you. This explains a lot about your age-regression and the regression of others as it creates that safe space you needed when you were a child and are still processing to this day. When you been through trauma and are highly emotionally sensitive from being highly empathetic you would want to escape anything that could bring feelings of sadness and upset and would want like what can help adults who are living with trauma finding that child like joy again or even for the first time. Watching cartoons over dramas is much less distressing. Cartoons are associated with children with a sense of harmless innocence can feel like comfort food.

When you grew up you were identified as a boy and were engaging in things that boys typically do.I assume you had a feeling in the back of your head that you didn't feel entirely comfortable as growing up as a boy. As much as you might’ve liked engaging in stereotypical activities that boys do or told to do. But you never had the chance to have a childhood as a young girl in the gender you now come out and transitioned to. What I assume other trans age-regressors could relate to, am asking about your personal experience, has age-regression given you the space to explore femininity that you never could when you could for the ages before you transitioned and came to enjoy the things that you wouldn't have been able to do that if you were able to be raised in a gender that you if they recognise that you are as a trans woman, that do you think that has helped you reclaim your gender and lost time that you wish you could be a little girl?

Lavender Rain: It's funny you bring it up. I  remember growing up, we had my mother's My Little Pony set that I was obsessed over. At the timed I didn't treat them very well because I was still as a boy, that being before I transitioned and discovered my true gender. From that age there was that exposure to feminine toys and femininity that contributed to that awareness. Later on that these are the things that I really wanted. When, when it comes to age regression, yes, it does help reclaim that femininity because my age regression manifests more in a little girl fashion, high pitched, squeal y. Pigtails, like I doll up. Emotionally and in the way that I express the way that I speak the way that I hold myself and all that.  I absolutely do agree. Especially with like the kinds of shows that I watch. I feel that like Peppa pig , I know boys who watch Peppa pig, like the girlier shows. Have really helped me accept that.

Going back to the connection, the association between like femininity and childishness. The Disney princess, the aloof Disney princess, my partner compares me to Rapunzel a lot that helps me recognize the place that I am at mentally when I am, I am regressed, especially when I'm looking for other things to like invest in it's always very deeply feminine activities. Much like my comfort items this plush toy right next to me, he's not an octopus he’s my jellyfish here, he is pink, white and grey. Colour schemes are big for me. I have synesthesia which means I feel. colour, I can smell colour, I can give color a texture, I can almost give colour a taste. As an artist it gives me a totally different view of looking at things. The bright, vibrant pastels, things like that have always been big even when I was male identifying that was before I transitioned and came out as trans and started to express and explore femininity in my outer self. Just like you can mask your autistic traits I masked my gender identity fitting into something that wasn’t me. I wore a lot of black and I wore black a lot because it was my replacement colour for all the colours I wanted to wear. The colour I wanted to wear was lavender which is where my name Lavender Rain comes from it's my favorite color bright pinks, yellows, yellow could be a gender neutral color, so even gender neutral stuff like yellow, gray, black, white colors are a very big thing for me, so reclaiming my, my femininity, my gender in, in age play or regression holds a lot of significance for me because of, The way I, the way my emotions manifest themself when I am in that, in that mental space, that, that little space.It's always very feminine, much like a little girl. It's always how, it's always how it's been.

Aar Jae Williams: and I think sometimes it just makes you feel happier to have a splash colour around you, and I'd say it's a bit liberating and reclaiming that sense of in yourself, and just being a bit more, finding and enjoying things, because I'd say that I can see how it does help you.

Medical incontinence and being a diaper lover

I want to ask you about your incontinence and on a podcast centred around neurodivergency, incontinence can be a common experience from issues relating to being neurodivergent. I know that for some people adult babies and age-regressors some people choose to wear diapers for no medical purpose but purely for pleasure and own personal desire to use as a choice so much as identifying as diaper lovers. I know you are like many of the autistic age-regressors or adult babies are medically incontinent.

Q. When did you start to have a need to use diapers again and was it something that you always felt comfortable in?

Lavender Rain: So the diaper thing specifically is where 99 percent of my trauma comes from. Before I get into that really quickly diapers for medical reasons in the ABDL community is actually a lot more common than you would think.Half of the people that I speak to have been in and out of diapers throughout their entire life. They've struggled with bed wetting and with daytime incontinence, specifically  wetting accidents. One of my close friends on my social media, they and I go into great detail about this story is that we have that we've shared back and forth about instances of like having accidents and going back to diapers.

When I was potty trained. I remember e my mother told me she tried starting me at two, which I was like, okay, that's really young, in my opinion, I think two is a little young because I have noticed kids sometimes take a little bit longer than that, but me, apparently she says I potty trained easily.

I can remember at about three years old, I immediately had this overwhelming feeling that I just wasn't ready for my last diaper change that was followed by being put into underwear for the first time I remember clearly that ‘I hated it’ for emphasis again ‘I hated it’. All the way back when I was three I must’ve been a diaper love that was dragged kicking and screaming into underpants. As the older I got, the more stressful it got because I still had younger siblings that were s in diapers.I always was never far a way from a pack of diapers. my younger siblings had pull ups making it easy for me to snag one here and there, once or twice a month. I always went back because I knew I still needed them. Often during school I would have accidents that I would never tell my family about as I was sucking up to them because they potty trained me. I knew they expected me to be potty trained. I continued having accidents which is a common problem with autistic people is a difference in interception, our internal sense of internal body senses including hunger, body temperature, the need to go to the toilet being able to sense whether your bladder is full, levels of hydration. Autistic people struggle, especially younger autistic people struggle a lot with incontinence problems which for me has continued through to adulthood.

When I was 10 years old, my mother found my diaper stash in my drawer. She was not happy about it at all, she scolded me for it, scolded me. This progressed like the scoldings and the intensity of the scoldings just increased over the years because they had this expectation that through to in my teenage years I shouldn’t have issues with wetting and incontinence. My younger sibling was still a bedwetter that was confusing to me leading me to question ‘but why can he still have these?’, ‘I need pull-ups too’ as an autistic tween, I couldn't explain that as I was too afraid of them not believing me because they wouldn't believe half the stuff that had come out of my mouth because I was so imaginative, I would just go off on these stories. They became convinced that I was just a storyteller. So. I came out to them one day about it. I came home, I was about 13 years old. This is some time after my, PG on a West diagnosis. I came home and they had my mattress flipped and they found my entire stash. And I looked at my father as he looked at me.

I could, he had a beer in his hand and he's like, do you really need these kids? And I just like, in, in as much shame as I possibly could, I just nodded my head. And he's like, Hey, whatever, didn't even further the conversation. And I've brought this up to him once and he doesn't believe it. I'm like, yeah, sure, dude.

So that sucks. But then I think a second instance happened and he was very drunk and from like on our little Ottoman that we had that we do this as a coffee table. He just, he would start throwing stuff at me trying to like figure out why I was so fixated on diapers because he thought it was like a fetishist thing because I was a developing boy.

He thought it was because like I was getting off in these things and like, of course, of course it was going to happen. I was a young developing boy. It's going to happen. I'm going to experiment with these things. But it was also like, I still needed them. I just didn't know how to convey that to them because like, I didn't even know how to explain it myself. I still have accidents? Right, I eventually I had to set little, little notes for myself here and there. Just like I'd shove one in my pocket. And then when I would ever, I would just like have my hands in my pockets, I'd pull it out and I'd say, go to the bathroom or something like that.

Lavender Rain: I did that for my parents to remind me to go to the bathrooms and that's how I managed it for a really long time. High school came around I had friends who were willing to do very fishy things for me. So I started ordering things off of Amazon gift cards. they would give to me to avoid my family members from Knowing where all this money was coming from and I would have them shipped at friends houses They would bring them to me their families were aware of this and they it was a huge oh thing this weird like Underground operation that I was running with one of my friends to get them.

they struggled with the same thing ironically enough So like we both understood their family My family then senior year came around and then I just started shipping him to the place that I was staying at and then ever since then it's just been on and off 24 7. Then I got into a serious relationship.

I wasn't transitioned at the time. They were not open to the idea of me transitioning. And then I had a kid that caused a little couple of issues here and there. And I basically purged everything. Which anybody in the ABDL community knows how purging is like. You just get rid of everything, there's so much shame built up, and then I would have accidents.Then I would stop sleeping at about 19, 20 years old not sleeping until about 4 in the morning when I had to be to work at 6 in the morning only getting two hours of sleep per nigh and that caused problem. Eventually, that relationship deteriorated. It wasn't until I started living on my own that I started going 24/7 wearing diapers all the time.

Then, I met that aforementioned partner who was open to the idea of me transitioning (me being transgender) that like she understood that I needed them (adult diapers). However, she didn’t accept me being ABDL, that made her uncomfortable.That added to the stresses and progressed to a point where I was fully diaper dependent.Even though there was so much shame attached to it I was destroying laundry I needed to use diapers although it was. awkward being in public. I never left the house.  I got so depressed.

Aar Jae Williams: At that point you started recognising, like before, when you were younger, you weren't aware that it could be a part of, even though you weren't exactly diagnosed when you, like, came out to your father about using diapers, but then you came, then you started to open up about then when you throughout your teenage years then, you didn't even know how it could affect your autism and from trauma based and love, come out with because it doesn't sense when you need to go to the toilet or, like with anxiety sometimes, , like you want to pee a bit more and then,

it's just like, it's just that stress thing of it that, that can, affect your bladder and mess your bladder up. Where you didn't understand to this point, where you're describing, where you're starting to catch on that you can't go without them because , it's actually something which is kind of disabling, the incontinence, so you actually need some age, something to age you for.

Lavender Rain:  it took a lot of effort getting over the shame, too. It was a sister of mine who explained it to me very well. She told me 'I understand why you need these, and I hope you understand that This is considered a mobility aid'. I was like, yeah, no, that's a great way of putting it.

In August before my 25th birthday. I video chatted my folks. The very first time we've never video chatted. My mother downloaded Snapchat so that she can keep in tabs with me because from financial instability and everything like that, coming out of an already poor, not really poor, but yeah, low income household.

I didn't know how to work money very well, so didn't know how to pay my bills. And then I was just going through phone numbers, so. They were like, alright, let me get Snapchat, let's video chat, and so we video chatted, and it was both of them, and I finally came out to them saying, hey, listen, this, this diaper problem that I had for years and years and years, I need you guys to know that like, I wear them all the time, whether you guys like that or not, I don't care, I know that there's a lot of tensions involved, I don't care, I'm not going to allow that to, to control me, and I'm not going to allow those experiences to hold me back from being honest with you guys that like.

You guys did not understand that like, I need to do like I wear these all the time and they kind of just, they thought about it and they're like, yeah, no, I, we understand that like things happened and they could have been treated differently. They don't drink anymore, fortunately. So I think it's kind of like they're coming to, you know, the, now that their, consciousnesses are clear from alcoholthey were able to approach that a little bit better.

now they are aware. And things are, things are going upwards, fortunately, now that I've come clean with that because my brother that I've talked about a couple of times, the bedwetter, he's below me. He asked me about that a couple of years ago when I was visiting and I kind of had to tell him I'm not ready to talk about this. It took two years for me to process that and that, and then came out to my folks about that and they're aware of it and my partner's been aware of it. Again, it's just one of those things. It's a part of who I am, just like my neurodivergency. It's a result of my neurodivergency and I understand that.

Aar Jae Williams: Being disabled and it shouldn't be something for whatever reasons people get touched on because people are right about that. When you go into like a, like a pharmacy or drugstore that they are there for a reason and you use it for a reason. It's like people just judge people wrongly for it when they sort of behave different than using glasses or hearing aids.

Lavender Rain: Yeah, absolutely.

Aar Jae Williams: I'm glad that your relationship with your parents is getting better.

Lavender Rain: Yeah, no, I, it, it required a lot of confidence on my part to, to set myself free from those limitations that they placed on me, because there's a lot of I'm going to use a analogy or metaphor here, but mental shackles that they placed me on that was just anxiety inducing.

And so I had to, I had to be honest with myself and be truthful with myself that like I need these, this is, this is a genuine disability. I can't treat it like it's what they thought it was like, because I'm weird, like, yes, of course it is a fetish because it's ABDL in itself is a fetish. Right.

So, but aside from just, just that, like, that's kind of a by product of it. It's, it's very much like a disability. I need these, these help me go about life without stressing out about it. And now that they recognize that. , with clear heads, we've all come to a place where like, they understand that I have set these boundaries and I've been honest and that they, they now know how it is now that the storm has settled and that time has gone on and.

I have been able to articulate myself in a way that they can actually understand now, and that has helped quite a bit and our relationship has significantly healed since then. So it's just taken a lot of honesty on my part. And Receptiveness on their part as well, which I'm, I'm blessed that they have actually taken the time to develop in themselves.

Aar Jae Williams: as you like said earlier with like by the society between, you know, like factions and your disagreements with different groups, it's like, so eventually like things would have to improve, but you know, when you are , you know, like you also like. You label on your social media and identify it as ABTL.

Even though, you said using diapers, the reason it isn't fetishized, but how do you get to the point  where you're probably able to say that you are a diaper lover?

Lavender Rain: They don't know that for sure, but to say I'm a diaper lover. I'm only willing to tell them so much. I accepted my the diaper lover ABDL identity, I came to accept that when my partner allowed me the ability to feel comfortable in myself too because all my previous relationships were just understanding the incontinence. But not understanding the ABDL identity. We're not going to deal with it. if that's going to be you, that can be you. It's just, I can't be with you. If that's going to be a thing. Yeah. So when, when my partner and I were just friends at the time and discussing everything like that, and I guess kind of breaking the ice when she expressed that openness and that that willingness to still pursue a potential relationship.

Even though, I was incontinent and, I had the attraction towards this lifestyle. Did I actually start to accept myself in that? And that took a lot of time, but I think to say when I fully accepted it was I think when we got married. Like, I, it was just a milestone that I know that I, I was able to say for sure that like this person loves me for who I am and there's that there's a degree of external validation that I guess that I needed to, to further validate internally that, I can accept this as a part of me because I know I'm not crazy because someone doesn't look at me like I'm crazy.

Yeah, so it took my partner telling me I'm not crazy for me to believe that I'm not in this and that that is ultimately what led me to. to accepting this, this part of me, that I am a very proud and open, not, not open, open, but open in certain spaces, A, B, D, L. Yeah. So, and that, I would say about a year ago, year and a half ago.

Aar Jae Williams: When you said that, quite a majority of, quite a high number of people who are incontinent and ABDL (diaper lovers) but when he said, in a way, when he said that I thought it's kind of good in a sense because if that's your, you know, like, your life off, what do you have to wear 24 7, like, any type of clothing you wear, you should be able to love something you wear and use for medical purposes finding pleasure.

Lavender Rain: absolutely. In the field of psychology, there's this there's this term called cognitive reframing and being ABDL has helped me cognitively frame it thus helping me mentally to cope in having to wear diapers by perceiving it differently to any ableism surrounding incontinence that sees wearing diapers as a negative regression and a burden in your day to day life. With cognitive reframing it has helped me overcome any fear of someone finding out and the real worry that any new diaper wearers may have that cause them being discreet in their alternative underwear needs. People don't see wearing diapers  as a positive thing as they just see them for babies and you shouldn’t be wearing them. It’s not perceived as fashionable. For me that's uncomfortable, the judgement and I had to rethink it. I had to see it in a different light and the ABDL community and allowed me and gave me the ability to express myself in a more immature way that is unconventional for someone of my age. Giving my the confidence and permission accept the fact that I have to wear diapers and ownership of the fact that ‘I'm an adult baby.’,’What are you going to do about it? Like come fight me.’ ‘I need these and I'm an adult baby. Who else needs these babies? Of course.’  I'm an adult too, an adult baby. These are two contradicting labels and are an oxymoron but you can be to things at once and indeed I am an adult baby. s

Aar Jae Williams:  You must be able to cognitively reframe disability when we live in an innately ableist society and because of that many of us disabled people have to confront internalised ableism as to cope and survive with changes to our disability and our abilities. It’s a dynamic identity that requires patience from within. Society most often views disability through a negative lens and it is on us to change our perception of our disability and find positives of how we have to adjust to live with chronic and life long disabilities. Wheelchair users have been perceived as wheelchair bound meaning confined to a wheelchair it seems to make you grant you less freedoms making life in a wheelchair is restricted when its anything but. Although most wheelchair users might not need their wheelchairs all of the time described as ‘ambulatory’ wheelchair user ; a wheelchair grants a person to get out and about and give sense of independence and ability to go to places whereas without a wheelchair you wouldn’t be able to have the same freedoms as physically abled people. For a person with incontinence like yourself you

Sometimes you need to look at things positively just to You know, be able to feel comfortable in your identity as that, because, you know, it's like the only identity that can really acquire, or, you know, be entirely born straight, right at birth, if I can actually, like, Carve as, like, find a community and find a sense of pride in that kind of shape's personality.

And it's, like, it's something that not many other disabilities can have. Not many disabilities, but not many identities have that same

Lavender Rain: I totally agree.

Adult pacifiers, quitting vaping and oral fixations

Q. When did you start using adult pacifiers?

A. I think that was one of the first things I really dipped my toes into when it came to like the, the adult baby accessories. I think I, I bought my first was, or my adult pacifier, when I was in that aforementioned relationship the first relationship that really accepted me for it because she enjoyed them. She had a, an oral fixation. I had to have been about 21 at the time. So, about two years ago I started experimenting with pacifiers and ever since then I, Oh, I've lost track of it. It's, it's nearby, but I've, I've spent a good amount of money on just accessories for pacifiers and stuff like that about two years ago.

Aar Jae Williams (they/them/theirs): Do you find that, that like something that you wanted to explore and do you think exploring that has helped, when we talk about, like, oral stimming and stimming for autistic people, do you think it has helped like, a comfort thing, ?

Lavender Rain: It even helped me get off of vaping. I vaped for years since I was 18. Usually I will suck on a pacifier during my own time and what I've noticed is like whenever I had a pacifier in my mouth I don’t have the urge to vape because it’s become a go to thing I have in my hand,n reach out to when I get the urge of that oral fixation thing. The more I have allowed myself to to nom and chew on or suck on a pacifier I found myself less likely to resort to being dependent on a nicotine device. It has been beneficial to my health. I've been free of nicotine for almost two months now because of it. Anytime I think of nicotineI immediately reach for my pacifier. Back then I didn't really do that. I would have it as like a side item, but the more I paid attention to that realised that I don't need nicotine I just want my pacifier instead. So I now realised it has helped me a lot especially with stimming too.I grind my teeth a lot ( have bruxism ). I clench my jaw in my sleep. Oh yeah, I do

Aar Jae Williams: grind my teeth a lot as well.

Lavender Rain: Yeah.

Aar Jae Williams: It hurts. It's something with autistic people sometimes like, you chew something or as you grind teeth and then for autistic ADHD adults or even some teens you know you end up vaping or smoking but like I think they can be quite like healthy alternative and like as you can find adult sized ones that quite a lot better for your teeth and it's one of those things that I thought that would help me being autistic, I kind of like had the idea of trying, trying and so that, you got glad that , you found, it's one of those things that helps me find the community and helps , by finding it, it helps me unmask and like giving me inspiration for this podcast and I was wrapping up now.

Lavender Rain: My final remark is if you feel alone, I'm, I'm talking to everyone that's listening to this right now. I am literally talking to you. If you feel alone you are not. There's a group near you. I guarantee it. Go find them.